If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
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