Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
