see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
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