He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
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