I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
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