Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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