and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
