I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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