When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Randomize
