I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
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