yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
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