I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Randomize
