you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
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