im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
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