I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
