I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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