you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Randomize
