alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Randomize
