turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
Randomize
