Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Randomize
