her facebook's as public as her vagina
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
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