I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Randomize
