just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Randomize
