im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
