I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Randomize
