Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
