I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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