im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
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