I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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