I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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