Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
