I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
