Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
