Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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