we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Randomize
