I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
