Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I pour the whiskey from now on
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
