That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
