I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
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