The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
Randomize
