Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
where are my eyebrows?
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
