Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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