so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
These tits shall not be calmed
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
I party with great urgency now.
Randomize
