I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
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