If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
Randomize
