if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
