Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
we're so committed to being not committed
Randomize
