he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
