I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Randomize
