dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
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