You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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